The World Cup is coming up. Barring the fact that the state of world cricket is such that there is a ‘World Cup coming up’ every six months, there is a World Cup coming up. And a bunch of matches that are surely as important as the World Cup are also coming up. And we need a team – and because no one knows cricket as well as a semi-unemployed fan who spends too much time on the internet, here is my preferred starting XI for Pakistan in T20Is this year.

Opener 1: Because, obviously, you need someone to open the batting. Logic would entail that the person opening the batting is a top-order batter. Hence.

Opener 2: Obviously, the first batter cannot begin alone – you need someone to run across the pitch with you to score a run. Cricket 101. You also need someone you can unceremoniously run out, should you feel the need to throw someone under the bus mid-game. So, a second opener makes sense. So far, so good.

Opener 3: 3 is close to number 2, and 2 is basically as much as 1, so having an opener to bat at three makes perfect sense. And also, if one opener gets out, their partner might deal with crushing separation anxiety at the onset of the wicket. It is important to take care of your teammates – you can do this by radically changing the way you play to suit their needs instead of doing what you’re supposed to do. Embrace tradition, etc.

Opener 4: Okay, imagine the first opener is dismissed on the first ball of the innings. And imagine the second one goes after. Who does the third one bat with? If the third one is basically an opener, and an opener needs another opener to bat with, then it makes sense for the fourth one to be an opener as well. It is simple abductive reasoning. Philosophy is a lot like cricket in that way. That’s the beautiful thing about T20 cricket – it really allows you to slow down and take in the simpler things in life.

Wicketkeeper + Opener 5: Well, every team needs a wicketkeeper. Obviously. And by this point, I think it’s okay to give into the luxury of one more opener. Really, you need someone to stabilize the innings once your usual stable guy going at 6 an over gets out.

New-ball bowler 1: Depending on this player’s hitting ability, they can also double as your Entire Middle Order. They also initiate the team’s fielding innings, as indicated by their description. They are also usually a pace bowler – bonus points if they have previously gotten injured enough times that the team’s fans go into spasms of panic every time the bowler holds a limb or appendage.

New-ball bowler 2: Much like the batting, a team’s bowling endeavors also require two like-minded and like-skilled players to operate in tandem. It’s okay if they play identically. If the first over is a disaster, the second can be a disaster of similar proportions, at least.

New-ball bowler 3: Wait, there is a reason why we need one more of these. I’ll get there.

Death bowler who is apparently a new-ball bowler: This is a cricket match, not a film. Roles can be as loosely defined as the imagination wishes. If the captain calls a resident death-overs bowler a new-ball specialist, that’s probably because the captain is on a transcendental plane of existence that the naked, spectating eye cannot perceive. Calm down. Give in.

Wasim Akram: The problem with the internet is that everyone has their agendas and their narratives. What they don’t understand is that someone who was excellent in the past will necessarily be as good and useful in the present. To concur otherwise is against logic and faith. Cricket is a lot like philosophy in that regard.

Full toss merchant spinner: The idea is simple – if you can’t help your team, you might as well help the other one. Contrary to popular belief, teamwork can also make the other’s dream work.

Reserves:

Actual top-order batsman who could help us 1: But again, what if all the actual openers get out on a duck or are eaten by dragons or are put in time-out by the umpires? What will a guy who can hit the ball out of the park do in that situation? Remember, cricket is also a lot like marriage: the fun options seldom last! Also, they might go too fast in the powerplay, and then the rest of the innings will feel slower by comparison, and the fans might feel let down. We care for our fans, so we won’t let that happen.

Actual middle-order batsman who could help us 1: By this point, we have structured a team to last us sustainably through the first 7 overs of the innings. By the time we reach the actual middle overs, there will be no need for a corresponding middle order to bat. So this guy doesn’t really need to start.

Actual spinner conducive to the conditions: What if we start with them, and they spin the ball too much? What if we bowl first and they eat the other team up and actually work well with one of the eighteen new ball bowlers in the playing XI, and the other team ends up making no runs? What will the batters chase? Do we think the batters are not capable? This is disrespectful. If there is one thing Pakistan cricket teaches you, it is that you respect your seniors.