The group stage of the Champion’s Cup – the tournament to watch, the pinnacle of competitive sport, and the decider of Pakistan’s cricketing fate, concluded as the Dolphins marked their first win of the tournament. As well as their elimination. While the hashtag of the tournament aimed to discover champions, one must remember that events in Pakistan cricket are seldom one-dimensional. They may not stick to their purpose, but that does not stop them from achieving several other purposes, so this list aims to summarise some key discoveries of this tournament of champions:

1. First Innings Champions

When one is #DiscoveringChampions in a cricket tournament, you would think it implies that the ‘champions’ being discovered would be able to command, say, at least the full length of a game. The entire group stage of the tournament, however, discovered not a single total being chased. While that may have to do with the pitch or the weather or the players simply giving up after looking at a gorgeous Faisalabad sunset every night, the hashtag for the tournament might require some re-editing. The implications this would have on Pakistan cricket are quite simple – as long as we figure out how to reduce every game of cricket to a single innings each, we’ll be on top of the world*.

2. We need to have a team named “Stallions” in every domestic tournament in Pakistan or we will die

I’ll be very honest; the only other one I can remember are the Sialkot Stallions, but I believe I have heard the name so many times that it feels a lot more pervasive. This is also true for teams being called “Dolphins,” except that might be seen as an attempt to spread awareness about an endangered species.

3. The Safety of the Tapal Tea Lounge

It is unwise to find solace in a corporation. However, every time the camera cuts to a couple of innocuous-looking spectators sipping from those red paper cups, unaware of the chaos outside, unaware of the possible newer, quirky ways they are being described in by the commentators, I feel a pang of affection. In what have been annoyingly eventful years of Pakistan cricket, the Tapal Tea Lounge stands out as a discovery in the realization that this – this is our only constant. However, now that I have pointed it out, we might just experience a hoard of angry spectators demolishing it in a fury the next time Babar gets out. Which reminds me,

4. A new revenue plan for cricket stadiums in Pakistan

The research shows that if we create a format of cricket that involves Babar Azam remaining at the crease for an infinite amount of time, we might ensure stadiums in Pakistan remain full. My “research” involves the observation that as soon as Babar gets out, people begin pouring out of the stadium in hordes. It is also not untrue that stadiums presently devoid of spectators (NSK, Gaddafi, Pindi, etc) do not have a Babar Azam playing in them. The fact that they are currently either under construction or not hosting a series is just a technicality.

5. The need for change in players’ Social Media Policy

After Shanawaz Dahani posted his iconic proclamation, “I just cannot understad, how Babar made it look so easy..” on X after Babar hit him for five fours in an over, it became evident that we need a new template of social media guidelines for players to follow. Even though Dahani has since deleted the post, I think players should be required to post a testament on every social media platform after they have performed poorly, which would include at least three lines of praise for the opponent player that challenged them the most. This is important to maintain a rigorous spirit of the game and also because it is funny.

6. It is important to play all the time, in every game, no matter what

During the last group stage match, Shaheen Shah Afridi sustained a knee injury after facing a Faheem Ashraf delivery. He went off the field but came back to bat after the next wicket fell. What is significant is that he continued playing even after his team reached the minimum score required to qualify, even though he could barely run. Now, this is not a man notorious for having stable, uninjured knees, so his actions only mean that playing no matter what – regardless of the type of cricket, tournament, or format, is the only way to approach the sport as a top athlete who is crucial to the team’s plans. More significant, still, is that Shaheen was not aware of his team’s requirements, which is why he kept playing. The discovery made here is that during a cricket match, it is important for management and organizing parties to not be aware at all of the game’s technicalities and stakes. The important thing is to just keep playing!

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With part of the playoffs and finals still remaining to be played, I can only assume that we have many other discoveries left to uncover in this tournament. Should the domestic setup of Pakistan cricket suddenly change before the tournament is concluded, however, turning this tournament into yet another sporting relic never to be spoken of again, I hope these were sufficient.

*N.B: Before this article is published, the Panthers have, in fact, won the first playoff by chasing down the score. However, please let this be yet another piece of Pakistan cricketing journalism where factual integrity takes a backseat to other, more important things, such as spreading misinformation and drama.